A Raker of Leaves: In 8 Steps
Here are the best practices for the horrid seasonal chore of leaf raking as proposed by me. Eight miserable steps to save you from a greater level of, er, misery.
- Do not touch a single leaf until all have fallen to the ground, and then rake all leaves in a single day. Why have multiple bad days when you can have just one truly awful one?
2. Do not shower before beginning. You want to rake angry. When taking on this most dull and time consuming endeavor, anger is your friend, nay, it is a gift. Therefore, barely being able to stand your own stench is key to riling up your bones.
3. Dress like shit. Dingy ball cap, stained pullover, sweats, and your ugliest shoes. You must both look like shit and feel like shit beforehand. Remember: rake angry.
4. Sequence the appropriate music on your Apple Music, Spotify, etc. and crank it up before you even touch the rake. While you do want to rake angry, the sound of a metal claw at the end of a stick scraping against soil and pavement is simply too dispiriting without some quality tuneage. Personally, I recommend Bruce Springsteen Live at the Odeon in London, 1975. Of course, you should choose what motivates you most. Unless what motivates you is Styx. In which case, drop the rake, go to your streaming service of choice, and select some truly great pompous, pretentious, full-of-itself rock and roll like Physical Graffiti or The Joshua Tree. You can do better than Styx. Check yourself before you wreck yourself, okay?
5. Dogs. If you have them, bring them out with you. Why? Because everything is better with dogs. If you don’t have a dog, drop your rake and go to your nearest no kill shelter and adopt one. It’s time to become a better person.
6. Take no breaks. Lunch is for the soft and will only weaken your resolve. Bull through. Be relentless like a James Brown groove. Work it until it’s done.
7. Pile the leaves on the curb for pick up and do so with disdain for their very existence. This should not be hard. Remember: rake angry.
8. Finally, upon completion, pause for the briefest of moments and survey all that you have accomplished and know that you are a raker of leaves. Why would anyone want to be known as such? Fuck if I know, but I’m trying here. Still, one must stand over that which they have defeated and take a moment to regard the vanquished and say “I did that.”
Trust me, it helps.
You may now take the most excellent of showers. I would suggest following it up with the most disgustingly enjoyable lunch you can think of. Bacon. Lots of bacon.
***Coming in 2022, A Raker of Leaves, the sequel (Hey neighbor kid, you wanna make 30 bucks?) by David E Phillips